Author Archive | Mariah

After Greg died and I started going through some of his things, thoughts would run through my mind like, “This shirt is still here? How could he leave his sushi shirt behind? He loved this shirt! And this Fawlty Towers episode book? He needs this where he is!” And then I’d realize how silly those thoughts are. But I still go through that thought process. Now that I’m going to sell his car, I keep thinking, “How is he just letting me sell this car that he loved?” It’s like a joke and he’s just dead until he realizes he left his car or that sushi shirt and he’s going to come back to claim it, like “Just kidding! You really think I was going to die without bringing my sushi shirt?”

Greg in his sushi shirt with Squirmy at her 3rd birthday party. He had just finished being a clown. :) This shirt is definitely a keeper!

I even laughed to myself over getting rid of a couple things that he loved and I did NOT. There was one shirt that we’d laugh about because he loved it and I hated it. I’m sure this is a universal husband/wife thing, is it not? If Greg ever put it on for something that I thought was important, I’d have to plead with him to change. I imagined that his ghost was trying to wrestle me to the ground because I was getting rid of that ugly zippered shirt with the collar that had a permanent, dirty crease in it. I’m not sure he really loved it all that much, more that he loved laughing at my reaction to it!

I have saved a lot of Greg’s things, all I have left of him that I can actually touch. Things that remind me of him, things that I can feel and imagine he’s still wearing. I page through a book that he loved, hoping that doing so will make him walk back into the room. I realize that thinking he misses these things is completely ridiculous. But his things that meant so much to him when he was alive, have become so important to me now. And of course, I know the only thing in this life that really mattered to him was his girls.  We are what he would come back for…if only that was possible.

xxx,

Mariah

I want to say it all the time. Everywhere we go where people don’t know our situation. I’ll get a comment on my wedding ring, on how sweet the girls are, asked if I know what aisle the couscous is in, and I tell them. I have Greg’s picture taped on the inside of my wallet so when I open it up, I can see him. Sometimes I think I put it there so that other people can see it too and if they make any sort of comment on it, I can just blurt out, “That’s my husband and he just died!” I just want to get it out. Not because I want to shock them or get sympathy but because that is our life right now and you just can’t tell from the outside. We’re in pain. Lots of pain. And I want people to know.

I’ve been trying to pay attention to other things going on in the world, right in front of me, but I still seem to be in a fog. All I know is my husband just died. It’s still hard to think about much else. Slowly, it is becoming more about the day-to-day…4k and preschool and blogs and selling cars and houses and stuff on craigslist and jury duty. Yes, jury duty…sigh. But I have to just say it because that’s the truth. And maybe every time I say it helps me to move forward just a little.

Our whole situation may be shocking right now but in time, I guess it won’t be. I’ll say, “My husband died last year…five years ago…ten years ago…twenty years ago.” and people will just nod, because that happens. And then I’ll just nod. And then hopefully I’ll smile – or maybe even laugh…and think of a funny story about him and how much I loved kissing him. And it’ll feel good to be able to just smile.

xxx,

Mariah