my husband just died

I want to say it all the time. Everywhere we go where people don’t know our situation. I’ll get a comment on my wedding ring, on how sweet the girls are, asked if I know what aisle the couscous is in, and I tell them. I have Greg’s picture taped on the inside of my wallet so when I open it up, I can see him. Sometimes I think I put it there so that other people can see it too and if they make any sort of comment on it, I can just blurt out, “That’s my husband and he just died!” I just want to get it out. Not because I want to shock them or get sympathy but because that is our life right now and you just can’t tell from the outside.¬†We’re in pain. Lots of pain. And I want people to know.

honeymoon

I’ve been trying to pay attention to other things going on in the world, right in front of me, but I still seem to be in a fog. All I know is my husband just died. It’s still hard to think about much else. Slowly, it is becoming more about the day-to-day…4k and preschool and blogs and selling cars and houses and stuff on craigslist and jury duty. Yes, jury duty…sigh. But I have to just say it because that’s the truth. And maybe every time I say it helps me to move forward just a little.

Our whole situation may be shocking right now but in time, I guess it won’t be. I’ll say, “My husband died last year…five years ago…ten years ago…twenty years ago.” and people will just nod, because that happens. And then I’ll just nod. And then hopefully I’ll smile – or maybe even laugh…and think of a funny story about him and how much I loved kissing him. And it’ll feel good to be able to just smile.

xxx,

Mariah

8 Responses to my husband just died

  1. Kelly Grier 09/12/2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Mariah,
    I’m proud of you for saying it out loud and not hiding behind it. Grief is a process…there’s no time limit…everyone is different.
    Love and hugs to you and the girls, Hope Stephen is keeping an eye on you!!! I know Greg is too!
    Kelly Grier

  2. Betty 09/12/2013 at 11:01 pm #

    I think it’s great that you started a blog, and blurting it out is a part of healing. I know I still blurt out how my husband was hit by a car 2 years ago while he was at work. He is mostly healed now, but somehow, some way it really does seem to help with the things that won’t ever be the same.

    I love the picture!!
    Betty

  3. Christina 09/13/2013 at 10:54 am #

    Mariah,
    I am so glad that you started a blog. You are an amazing and talented lady and I can’t wait to read your entries.

    I want to share something….you said that you want to tell everyone “my husband just died”…every time I see you I want to blurt out “OMG, your husband just died. I am so very sad for you. Please, please tell me what I can do to help. What do you need?”

    I know that I don’t always say those things, but please know that I am thinking them and I am here for you, if you need anything. Even if it’s just taking the girls for a little while so you can have time to yourself.

    We are looking forward to many more play dates with you and your sweet girls!

    Christina

  4. Em 09/13/2013 at 11:33 am #

    12 yrs later, it still gets me at times, and at others, I’m ok to say that he left us and we are ok.

    Grieve fully. It’s ok. Feel what you feel. Eventually, you and the girls, will get to a less painful place. I promise. Just stay clear of the father/daughter events at school and in the community. That’s when it just seems to be ridiculously hard.

    Love to you and the girls and know, please….that you always have me to talk to if you just need an ear and someone who knows what its like to lose the father of your child/ children. You have great memories and a ton of family that loved Greg and LOVES YOU. xoxoxo

  5. Julie 09/13/2013 at 1:02 pm #

    Mariah – you are truly amazing….so strong…and truly an inspiration. I can not imagine the pain you and your beautiful girls are going through right now and I think it’s so wonderful that you started this blog and are able to express your thoughts and feelings this way. It’s a great step towards healing and moving forward and I look forward to reading all that you have to say.

    Sending you all lots and lots of hugs,
    Julie

  6. Renee 09/13/2013 at 5:03 pm #

    When my husband died I thought it might be better if I just wore a sign around my neck, my love, my life has died please handle me with care. I wanted other people to know because of the state I was in and that this was all my world could hold right now those painful words, my husband just died no really he is dead. That was 8 years ago this year. It does get easer but it still shocks my core. Tell everyone tell the world share your sorrow and his greatness.

    • Mariah 09/14/2013 at 5:18 pm #

      I like the sign idea. I’ve thought of other things too, like an armband or something.

  7. Christie 09/14/2013 at 11:27 pm #

    Oh, I just love ya. Thank you for being real. Also, the mustard color here on your page is just lovely.

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