Most days are good. Some days are not. Sunday was not. By the time the girls got to bed and I started thinking about how ugly the day had gotten, I was ashamed. One girl loses it, then another one does and then mama just joins in. It’s hard to turn things around once that happens.
I used to have more patience. Since I was (am) a stay at home mom, I felt good about the way I parented. I remember being able to hold it together during a kid crisis. And that used to be a huge part of who I was because I didn’t work another job. My kids were my only job and I was going to be good at being their mother, dammit. It’s depressing to see that part of me now compromised. Greg used to look to me and would even brag to other people about what a good mom I was. On these bad days, I can’t help feeling like I’m letting him down.
My kids don’t have a father anymore. And on top of that, their mom is losing it. Kind of a double whammy to them.
Since Greg’s death, people treat us differently. Of course they do. I would too. I see it and it’s fine. Because this is what has happened to us and if people are more nice/attentive/caring/responsive/forgiving, then yes, that’s okay. What I’m having a hard time figuring out is if and how *I* am treating the girls differently. Our situation is constantly making me second-guess myself. I don’t think I’ve changed the way I parent but it’s hard to know since we’re at a completely different phase in life. I have never had a 5 year old and an almost 3 year old until right now. Who knows if I would do things how I am doing them if Greg was still here. But now not only does the fact that my girls are fatherless effect things, *I* am also in a completely different mindset. A double whammy to me as well.
The most upsetting thing to Greg about dying was that 1. He was going to be leaving us and 2. He wasn’t going to be here to help us through our pain. And that was the point, I guess. A double whammy for him too.
My mom gave me a counseling book when Greg was sick that had a chart including roles that family members assume when someone in the family is seriously ill. I don’t remember the wording exactly but Squirmy was the angel or the pleaser, I was the one who tried to do everything for everyone and was the forgotten one and Squeaky was the problem person. For those short months, there wasn’t much we could do about it. I am very aware of these ‘roles’ and I do not want to be the person who keeps these labels attached to my children. I sometimes secretly (and now not so secretly!) love it when my Squirmy does something out of character and is a little naughty. It makes things feel more balanced. And when I look at Squeaky who is so creative and silly and makes us all laugh, I know that she isn’t a problem.
Today, things don’t seem as daunting. The last few days since Sunday have been good. Great, actually. We have all been getting good sleep and the few times there has been a kid crisis, Mama has been able to keep her cool. I’m hoping, as things heat up a bit with Christmas coming, traveling and getting everything done, I’ll be able to keep cool and stay cool. Deep breath.