Today I need to get some sad out. Things have been going really well with the move and getting used to our new town but I think the sadness has been building up a bit. So here is me getting it out…publicly, I guess. I apologize if this sounds like a therapy session but I guess that’s kind of what this blog is for me.
Some of you may know or remember that when Greg got sick, he had a reset button. When he would think sad or bad thoughts about the future and dying, he wanted something to help ‘reset’ his mind. So he took this button off of our old Filter Queen vacuum cleaner. He brought the button everywhere we went and even in the middle of the night, I would hear that sad little clicking sound. And then I’d cuddle just a little closer to him.
When the movers took our bed out a couple weeks ago, there was Greg’s reset button on the floor. I wanted someone else to be there to share this important find with me. But there was nobody but James, one of the movers. So I blurted it out to him as well as I could explain it in a few sentences. He looked confused and didn’t really know what to say. I wanted to just yell out, “It’s really important!” But I felt stupid and started crying and clicking it myself. James hustled out of the room to go move something else.
Lately I’ve been pretty vocal and that’s a little worrisome to me. I’ve always tried really hard to say the right things, think of the best way to say something so as to not offend anyone and make everyone like me. And being more vocal = more chances of feeling like a fool because of something I’ve said.
And now I have this blog, I’m talking and meeting a lot of new people and getting things off my chest. I’m feeling empowered but at the same time extremely vulnerable. I really miss having Greg here with me to let me know that I’m doing alright. I think he thought I was always the centered, confident one but I don’t think he ever knew how much confidence he gave me. Because I ALWAYS knew that no matter what silly thing I would say or do, he would still love me. And not only would he love me, he would completely be on my side. If I was ever worried if someone would be offended by something I did or think I was stupid because I messed something up, his response was always something to the extent of, “Fuck ’em!” as he wrapped his arms around me. I just didn’t have to worry because if I ever needed back-up, he was always right here.
There is a long list of things I miss about Greg but today I’m so sad about the fact that I don’t have him to scoop me up and let me know I’ve done alright. I’m proud to be a strong, confident person but it’s a hard realization that I’m back to relying on myself that what I’ve done or said is the right thing.
I’m keeping this reset button for myself. Click.