what he left behind

After Greg died and I started going through some of his things, thoughts would run through my mind like, “This shirt is still here? How could he leave his sushi shirt behind? He loved this shirt! And this Fawlty Towers episode book? He needs this where he is!” And then I’d realize how silly those thoughts are. But I still go through that thought process. Now that I’m going to sell his car, I keep thinking, “How is he just letting me sell this car that he loved?” It’s like a joke and he’s just dead until he realizes he left his car or that sushi shirt and he’s going to come back to claim it, like “Just kidding! You really think I was going to die without bringing my sushi shirt?”

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Greg in his sushi shirt with Squirmy at her 3rd birthday party. He had just finished being a clown. :) This shirt is definitely a keeper!

I even laughed to myself over getting rid of a couple things that he loved and I did NOT. There was one shirt that we’d laugh about because he loved it and I hated it. I’m sure this is a universal husband/wife thing, is it not? If Greg ever put it on for something that I thought was important, I’d have to plead with him to change. I imagined that his ghost was trying to wrestle me to the ground because I was getting rid of that ugly zippered shirt with the collar that had a permanent, dirty crease in it. I’m not sure he really loved it all that much, more that he loved laughing at my reaction to it!

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I have saved a lot of Greg’s things, all I have left of him that I can actually touch. Things that remind me of him, things that I can feel and imagine he’s still wearing. I page through a book that he loved, hoping that doing so will make him walk back into the room. I realize that thinking he misses these things is completely ridiculous. But his things that meant so much to him when he was alive, have become so important to me now. And of course, I know the only thing in this life that really mattered to him was his girls.  We are what he would come back for…if only that was possible.

xxx,

Mariah

2 Responses to what he left behind

  1. Kelly Grier 09/20/2013 at 4:33 pm #

    Hang in there Mariah…remember, its a process…with no timetables or time limits. Been there, done that…you’re doing fine.

  2. Linda Andreozzi 09/20/2013 at 5:24 pm #

    Oh Mariah, I understand every word you write!

    I remember my Greg’s knives. He was a great cook and had expensive knives that were untempered steel and could not be washed with water. After he died I’d let them soak in water in the sink or throw them in the dishwasher and I’d say to him–well that’s what you get!

    Then there were a whole bunch of things that I kept hauling along with me wherever I moved. Then finally I’d look across the room and see the thing (like all his comic books that I didn’t read) and I’d say, what the heck are those doing here? He’s not coming back for them. Or his electric guitar that had been taken apart to clean the night he died. I hauled around those pieces until about 4 years later it occurred to me that he wasn’t going to put it back together again and I didn’t need to hang onto it. He had a shirt too. Five years after he died I finally tore it into strips and used it to tie up tomato plants. It felt good. Thanks for sharing what you’re going through. It’s helping me to remember important things. Love.

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