A week or two after Greg died, I was filling out one of a million “someone just died and there is a shitload of paperwork to fill out” forms with my Dad’s help. I came to the question, “What is your marital status?”. I honestly wasn’t sure what to write. Where was the “YES I’m married, but my husband died” option? My dad quietly said, “Well, technically you aren’t married.” :( So my husband is gone and so is my marriage? I guess it makes sense but it felt too much like someone else, someone far away who has no idea who we are, made this decision for me. I know it’s just a question on a form, an official status, but I still get kind of upset thinking about it.
After months of wearing my wedding ring, I decided last week to take it off. I now have it locked up in a safe spot so it’s ready for someday for one of the girls.
One night at dinner, in the spring of ’06, Greg told me that we should start looking at rings. Yay! So we did. After we decided and had the ring made, I told him I still wanted to be surprised.
A few weeks later, as we were raking the yard, one of our rakes broke. Greg volunteered to run into town to get a new rake and off he went, leaving me raking. He had gone to get a rake AND to pick up the ring, which took him about an hour and a half. And I think he probably stopped and had a little chat about it with every person he saw along the way! I was so mad at how long he took to get that damn rake (or probably that fucking rake…I think I said fucking rake…just trying to accurately recall history!) that I almost didn’t realize what he was doing when he started on a little speech asking me to marry him. He loved recalling the story of how I was mad at him when he asked me to be his wife. And then I even managed to say yes! Fuck yes!
Greg’s wedding ring fits on my right middle finger so I’ve started wearing his instead. It makes me feel like I can keep our marriage a little bit alive even if he is not. And since I’m not officially married anymore, this is my little protest. I think he would be proud.