what he left behind

After Greg died and I started going through some of his things, thoughts would run through my mind like, “This shirt is still here? How could he leave his sushi shirt behind? He loved this shirt! And this Fawlty Towers episode book? He needs this where he is!” And then I’d realize how silly those thoughts are. But I still go through that thought process. Now that I’m going to sell his car, I keep thinking, “How is he just letting me sell this car that he loved?” It’s like a joke and he’s just dead until he realizes he left his car or that sushi shirt and he’s going to come back to claim it, like “Just kidding! You really think I was going to die without bringing my sushi shirt?”

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Greg in his sushi shirt with Squirmy at her 3rd birthday party. He had just finished being a clown. :) This shirt is definitely a keeper!

I even laughed to myself over getting rid of a couple things that he loved and I did NOT. There was one shirt that we’d laugh about because he loved it and I hated it. I’m sure this is a universal husband/wife thing, is it not? If Greg ever put it on for something that I thought was important, I’d have to plead with him to change. I imagined that his ghost was trying to wrestle me to the ground because I was getting rid of that ugly zippered shirt with the collar that had a permanent, dirty crease in it. I’m not sure he really loved it all that much, more that he loved laughing at my reaction to it!

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I have saved a lot of Greg’s things, all I have left of him that I can actually touch. Things that remind me of him, things that I can feel and imagine he’s still wearing. I page through a book that he loved, hoping that doing so will make him walk back into the room. I realize that thinking he misses these things is completely ridiculous. But his things that meant so much to him when he was alive, have become so important to me now. And of course, I know the only thing in this life that really mattered to him was his girls.  We are what he would come back for…if only that was possible.

xxx,

Mariah

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slow cooker chicken tikka masala

I’m going to lighten things up a bit with a recipe. I feel nostalgic posting a recipe from life with Greg since I haven’t really cooked (thoughtful meals, like I used to) since Greg died…and probably even since he got sick. That means the last day I cooked was February 23rd, 2013. But before that, I cooked a lot. I used to plan out our meals for the entire week. I have a binder full of recipes that I miss making. Every Sunday night, I’d go through my recipes, make the menu and write a grocery list. Maybe this will inspire me to start cooking again. Especially with a meal this easy.

slowcooker-chicken_300

 

This is a slow cooker recipe that I pulled out of a Real Simple magazine a year or two ago. Greg and I used to love going out for Indian food. He would always choose the spicier dishes – he tried everything (well, everything without mammal!) but I remember seeing a lot of green on his plate, like the Mahttar Paneer or Saag Paneer dishes. I always got the Chicken Tikka Masala. All the time! So this recipe isn’t exactly like the dish in an Indian restaurant but it’s still yummy.

The only thing I think I changed on it was to double (or maybe even triple?) the garam masala. Plus, it was never hot enough for Greg so he always had to add something to his to make it spicy. Oh and I never let the cucumber and cilantro sit with lemon juice for 8 hours because I always forgot about that part. So I’d chop them up just before serving and I’ve never used the lemon juice…still great! Actually, I think the cucumber and cilantro  makes the dish so don’t skip that part…unless you hate cilantro. Because I think cilantro is possibly a love/hate herb, isn’t it? Then I will let you skip it. But don’t skip the cucumber! If you hate cucumber, well, then don’t even make this!

Anyway, you can get this recipe over at Real Simple HERE.

xxx,

Mariah

P.S. Do you think it’s funny when you look at websites with recipes and there is a looooong list of people adding their details on how they changed the recipe and who ate it? That’s annoying to me. But I think I just did that in this post. I am annoying to me. :)

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our wedding anniversary

Today would have been our seven year wedding anniversary. As I was getting ready for our wedding, I remember thinking to myself, “How can anyone have doubts on their wedding day?” And as it turns out, I don’t think I’ve ever been so sure about anything in my life.

Wedding

 

What I loved the most about our time on this earth together is how much Greg absolutely adored me, and me, him. Our love for each other was never off balance – we were always pulling each other closer, equally. I am so thankful that he was here to show our girls what a pure, sincere and loving a relationship looks like…how men and women should treat each other. How, if a couple is a true team, they will never fail each other.

We packed a lifetime of love into almost seven years.

Happy Anniversary, Baby.

xxx,

Mariah

 

1

my husband just died

I want to say it all the time. Everywhere we go where people don’t know our situation. I’ll get a comment on my wedding ring, on how sweet the girls are, asked if I know what aisle the couscous is in, and I tell them. I have Greg’s picture taped on the inside of my wallet so when I open it up, I can see him. Sometimes I think I put it there so that other people can see it too and if they make any sort of comment on it, I can just blurt out, “That’s my husband and he just died!” I just want to get it out. Not because I want to shock them or get sympathy but because that is our life right now and you just can’t tell from the outside. We’re in pain. Lots of pain. And I want people to know.

honeymoon

I’ve been trying to pay attention to other things going on in the world, right in front of me, but I still seem to be in a fog. All I know is my husband just died. It’s still hard to think about much else. Slowly, it is becoming more about the day-to-day…4k and preschool and blogs and selling cars and houses and stuff on craigslist and jury duty. Yes, jury duty…sigh. But I have to just say it because that’s the truth. And maybe every time I say it helps me to move forward just a little.

Our whole situation may be shocking right now but in time, I guess it won’t be. I’ll say, “My husband died last year…five years ago…ten years ago…twenty years ago.” and people will just nod, because that happens. And then I’ll just nod. And then hopefully I’ll smile – or maybe even laugh…and think of a funny story about him and how much I loved kissing him. And it’ll feel good to be able to just smile.

xxx,

Mariah

8

why kissing glue?

Welcome to my blog. A blog about me and my family. Why kissing glue?  When Greg and I were married in our front yard, there was a song that we chose as we walked in our front door and took a few moments to make-out (ha!) as a new, married couple. The song was “I’d Like That” by XTC, Greg’s absolute favorite band. It’s a lovely song. A line in the song that I’ve always liked sings,

“I’d smile so much my face would crack in two,
and you could fix it with your kissing glue.”

In the spirit of healing, what this blog is all about, a little kissing glue might help. That’s why kissing glue.

xxx,

Mariah

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